i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
