Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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