The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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