I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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