Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
