if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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