who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
