I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
