Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
high people should be assigned attendants
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
