listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
