You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
