He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
