Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
