I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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