He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
