i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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