I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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