mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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