As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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