Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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