Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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