I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
