I need to stop coming to work sober
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
