I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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