and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
