I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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