I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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