So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
