Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I still have a little drunk in my system
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
