Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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