you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
