Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
