I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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