Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
