Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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