so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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