found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
