a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
