I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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