I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
