I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
