I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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