My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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