Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
