She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
