my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
