There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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