I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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