So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
