He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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