I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
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