why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
