Don't make out with my wife yet
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
3 2 1 whiskey
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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